One of the most common questions I receive during workshops or coaching sessions revolves around handling difficult personalities. It's something we all encounter, whether it's managing a team, giving feedback, or trying to negotiate agreements.
Whenever this topic arises, I can't help but recall a phrase I encountered while studying adult learning: "where there's people, there's peculiarities!" Humans are fascinating creatures, and it's important to remember that perceived difficult personalities aren't just one-dimensional problems. I also once read a Harvard business review that suggested that when you feel challenged or threaten by someone the best thing to do is to get curious. Instead of labelling someone as difficult, we should ask ourselves why they're behaving that way. Maybe they are simply demonstrating different personality preferences from ourselves? Or they're going through a tough time in their personal life or have had past experiences that shape their responses. It's also possible that what we're saying or asking feels like a threat to their ego, safety, or status.
Based on research and experience here are some strategies that can help you navigate tricky situations in the future:
· Stay calm and present: Take a moment to pause, breath and stay present. Don't get caught up in the drama. Remind yourself that it's simply a trigger you have had and not to take it personally.
· Put yourself in their shoes: Try to understand things from their point of view. Get more curious and ask open-ended questions to gain a better sense of where they're coming from.
· Listen attentively: Give them your full attention, set aside your agenda/needs and show that you understand and acknowledge their concerns. Sometimes, people just want to feel heard.
· Clarify goals/outcomes: Make sure everyone is on the same page about what needs to be achieved. Check in regularly,
work together to find solutions and strive to find common ground.
· Identify skill or motivation issues: Figure out if the issue stems from a lack of skill or will. If it's a skill or knowledge gap on the topic – you could just be talking at cross purposes, offer more information, support or training. If it's a lack of motivation, help them understand the importance and what success looks like.
· Finally, choose your battles wisely: Not every situation requires you to both be on the same page. Consider the importance of the issue at hand and whether going head to head with someone you perceive as challenging will lead to a productive outcome. Sometimes it's better to let minor issues slide to maintain harmony
Difficult personalities can be challenging, but with patience and understanding, you can often find common ground and improve the situation. Don't be too hard on yourself— it is something we all face from time to time, and it takes practice and presence to navigate those situations effectively.
#we'realldifferent